How Gen X women can ignite unstoppable confidence in midlife
The 4 Rs on staying strong and resilient through your middle years
For Gen X women, midlife brings changes and challenges that can cut into our confidence and self-esteem.
No longer young but far from old, these 'bridge years' can feel shaky and uncertain.
It's like a bell curve: Right when we've reached the peak of our prime, it feels like we're starting to slip downhill.
So, what are the main reasons women lose confidence in midlife?
And more importantly, how can we keep our confidence flying high at this life stage?
Reasons women lose confidence in midlife
Fear of losing our looks
For us ladies, this has got to be the most brutal blow.
It's the day your changing appearance stares back at you. The day you realize your reflection doesn't match how you used to look.
“We reject the idea of being solely the object of desire and fantasy, yet who among us does not want to be regarded as attractive? Modern reality tells us not to age, that good looks are our currency, our power, and what makes us vital in today's world.”
— Vivian Diller and Jill Muir-Sukenick, authors of “Face It: What Women Really Feel as Their Looks Change”
Our youth-obsessed culture groomed us our entire lives to focus on our appearance.
How, then, do we, in middle age, cope with the onslaught of wrinkles, grays, crepey necks and menopause bellies?
Reality can start to bite if you've relied purely on your looks and neglected your personal growth until now.
As the currency of our desirability erodes without quality collateral, we become neither eye candy nor compelling. Oof.
We may look good "for our age" but not good enough for the world.
The first time it hit me, I was 45.
There was a ping from a guy on OkCupid with the pithy and charming remark, "Not bad for 45." — This came from a dude who was a doppelganger for Jabba the Hutt, no less. 😑
If society were a lover, it has wined and dined and romanced us until we hit our mid-40s or so, only to dump us for a P.Y.T. (Hey, nothin' on M.J., though!)
Body changes and age-related health challenges
To say age is just a number is ignorant and flippant — aging has real consequences.
As our brains and bodies age, we become mentally and physically fragile and susceptible to health conditions.
These days, a minor injury that would take a week to recover in my thirties takes a month. I'm getting more forgetful, and it makes me feel like I’m dropping the ball.
Plus, I can't see shit.
Then there's the litany of (peri)menopause symptoms that keep us all kinds of sweaty, batty, exhausted and brain-fogged.
Adding insult to injury, the healthcare system doesn't know how to help us.
Luckily, we're seeing progress in women's midlife health advocacy and research. But we're only getting started, and there are still more questions than answers.
Our changing, aging bodies can make us feel less confident in handling the demands of work and life.
Shifting roles and identities
An empty house after decades of being a mother.
Single and back on the block after 25 years of being a wife.
Leaving behind a thriving corporate career to be an at-home caregiver to a parent. This, in essence, also switches your role from child to parent.
Starting your own business at 52 after a lifetime as an employee.
These seismic shifts in midlife can uproot our sense of identity and purpose.
Gendered ageism and stereotypes
It's hard enough being female in a gender-biased world. Adding aging to the mix compounds the issue.
Once again, we circle back to looks (sigh).
In the workplace, older women are far more susceptible than men to "lookism" or discrimination against our appearance.
Women with gray hair look old, haggard, and unprofessional, whereas men are silver foxes who ooze gravitas.
Women have wrinkles; men have character lines.
Yeah, we've all heard these ad nauseam.
We're told that long hair and high heels aren't age-appropriate and that we're trying too hard to look younger.
Yet, we're forbidden to show our age by keeping our grays and scorned for wearing sensible shoes. What gives?
And since we're no longer any good for making babies, we also forfeit our rights as sexual beings.
Women of a "certain age" are seen as mothers and matrons but, god forbid fuckable. And if you are, you're filed as a MILF — regardless of actual mom status.
At 36, a twenty-something called me a MILF (I'm childfree).
At 49, I matched with a 44-year-old on an app. After gently bowing out of the convo after glaring red flags, he lashed out in retaliation, "Go find yourself a grandpa, you fucking grandma!"
So ... does that make me a GILF? 🤷🏻♀️
Fear of invisibility and irrelevance
All the above points converge to make women in midlife feel ignored and sidelined.
We're losing appeal not only to the male gaze but to the world.
Even with all the pro-aging advocacy lately, let's not kid ourselves. We're still living in a youth-centric culture that fears and disdains female aging.
Our seniority, experience and competence don't guarantee security or advancement at work. Instead, we risk being undervalued and passed over for a perceived lack of "freshness."
We used to think the Boomers were old and out of touch, and now we find ourselves behind three new generations. I hear Gen Z makes fun of our "uncool" emoji choices, particularly this one: 😂
As older women, the window for new opportunities, recognition, and desirability seems to narrow with each birthday.
What's shittier than feeling less than is to feel utterly unseen.
How women in midlife can boost their confidence: The 4 Rs
How can women build and maintain their confidence in midlife? What mindsets and practices support strong self-worth as we age?
I've coined the 4 Rs.
The experts inspired the first three, and the fourth is my own. ☺️
1. Reconcile
At the core of confidence and healthy self-esteem is self-acceptance.
"Self-acknowledgment implies accepting and embracing the inevitable aging process," says certified relationship counselor Jason Polk.
Elvis Rosales, a licensed clinical social worker, reminds us to "embrace change as an opportunity for growth and to view setbacks as learning experiences."
Change is the only constant in life. With time only marching forward, aging is a natural, beautiful season in the cycle of your life.
There's no growth without making peace with yourself as you are today.
Getting real with yourself is your doorway to authenticity, the soul of self-confidence.
2. Redefine
The next step is to adopt fresh perspectives that uplift and support your individuality.
"See midlife as a time of transformation rather than decline. It’s an opportunity to explore new passions, set new goals, and redefine success on your own terms," says midlife women's coach Valerie Ritchie.
Polk explains, "Redefinition involves refocusing on personal growth, wisdom, and lifetime experiences that contribute to your unique identity.”
As for your looks, all the experts recommend shifting the focus from appearance to health and well-being. 👈 This, we know, should have always been the case, but it often takes the tough love of aging to straighten out our priorities. 😂 (See what I did here? 😂😂😂)
Too many of us have spent a lifetime trying to win the losing game of outer approval.
It's time to reframe and refocus on things that matter to you.
3. Reclaim
After self-acceptance and redefinition comes renewal and reclamation.
Celebrate you.
Do things that continue to empower your growth.
"Creating new connections," says Polk, ”be it friendships, hobbies, or learning experiences, can be liberating and confidence-boosting.”
For your career, Rosales advises, "This is a critical time to reassess your skills, set new professional goals, and possibly explore new career paths. Continuous learning and adapting can enhance job satisfaction and instill a sense of accomplishment and confidence.”
Ritchie has much to add:
"Celebrate your body: Engage in activities that make you feel strong and vibrant, such as yoga, dancing, or hiking.”
“Prioritise self-care: Make time for activities that nurture your soul and body. Whether it’s meditation, reading, or simply spending time with loved ones, self-care is crucial for maintaining balance and confidence.”
“Build a support network: Surround yourself with positive influences — people who uplift and inspire you. Engage in communities where you can share experiences and wisdom.”
“Practice mindfulness and gratitude: Engage in daily practices that keep you grounded in the present moment and cultivate gratitude for the life you’ve lived and the person you are becoming.”
And her final advice:
"Own your narrative: Take control of your story by focusing on your achievements and experiences. Your life’s richness comes from your unique journey and the wisdom you’ve gained along the way."
On that note, I say it's time to ...
4. Radiate
This last R comes from me.
As aging women, conforming to a lifetime of outer validation has got us nowhere except on a slippery slope to losing face and dignity.
Instead of waiting for society to change its views, it's up to us to change the paradigm from external validation to internal validation.
Flip the script.
Clap back.
Proclaim your arrival.
Decide how you want aging to look like for you, and tell it like it is, on your terms.
Instead of pleasing the world, please yourself.
Radiate from the inside out.
You don't have to be loud, but it requires you to take up space.
By staying silent, we condone and perpetuate ageism, sexism, irrelevance and invisibility.
Instead of fighting against systemic ageism and sexism, I propose we advocate for ourselves.
Let's normalize aging by keeping it circulating in conversation.
Speak up and call people out when sexist ageism rears its pernicious head.
Be audacious and striking in your gray if that empowers you (it has for me!)
Reject damaging beauty filters – it’s denying, hiding, lying, and conspiring with the anti-aging industrial complex.
Show up as you look, now, you gorgeous bad bitch. 💃🏻
As long as you accept yourself, no one can reject you.
Don't explain, don't apologize, or try to prove that you can age well.
Being who you are radiantly is proof of aging well.
Normalize aging by example.
Represent yourself as you.
Go full-frontal.
We are Gen X.
We're feral, fierce, and take no shit.
If anyone, we can do it.
So, let's get to it.
Your becoming starts now
It's easy to feel off balance as our looks, bodies, health, careers, relationships, and identities shift in midlife.
Ritchie reminds us to "Cultivate self-compassion. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding. Recognize that everyone experiences self-doubt, that it’s part of the human experience."
Youth is an attitude — a lightness of being, an energetic optimism for growth and expansion.
It's a quality you can embody at any age.
"People who stay young all the years of their lives not only welcome change but see it for what it really is — new opportunities, new chances for further fulfillment." — Earl Nightingale
Wisdom comes from self-knowledge and lived experience.
Knowing yourself has tremendous power.
With that knowledge, it's time to design your next act by becoming yourself.
Harness your hard-won wisdom to show how life can be seen and done differently.
Acknowledge all you've been, and look forward to more coming your way.
Confidence like that is 10X more compelling than turning a few heads.
What affects your confidence in midlife? What’s your advice on staying buoyant? Share in the comments!
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Elvis Rosales is a licensed clinical social worker and clinical director at Align Recovery Centers.
Jason Polk is a certified relationship counselor, coach, and owner of Colorado Relationship Recovery.
Valerie Ritchie is a speaker, advocate, and coach who helps midlife women rediscover their confidence. She is the founder of Transformation in Action.
