Midlife uncensored: 26 bold musings on sex, love, and thriving after 50

"Welcome to the '50's Club'" was AARP's chirpy invitation two weeks before my 50th birthday.

"FREE Insulated Trunk Organizer with Membership.”

Friends who had already crossed the Big 5-0 had prepared me for this moment.

Yep, I, too, just got AARP'd. Woo-hoo!

AARP (American Association of Retired Persons) "is the nation's largest nonprofit, nonpartisan organization dedicated to empowering Americans 50 and older to choose how they live as they age.”

It felt weird to prematurely throw a shiny new 50-year-old into the retirement crowd, and it was a bit stalkerish that they knew my birthday and where I lived.

Yet another part of me gave me pause.

Turning 50 has a respectable weight, as if I’ve crossed a certain "maturity threshold.”

So, as a legit grown-ass woman, is there anything I've learned from my life worth sharing?

Here are my musings on sex, love, beauty, and wellness from my 50th year.

Your mileage may vary, but I'm sure you'll find some things you can relate to.

After all, we're all in on this journey together as women in midlife.

So here goes …

Sex & pleasure

1. Sex is how adults play

Humans are one of the rare ones to have sex for fun, not just for procreation.

We have sex because it feels incredible. Because it’s profoundly bonding. Because it makes us healthy and happy.

As the saying goes, “All work and no play makes Jill a very dull girl.”

Incorporating playtime is an essential part of your well-being.

So play more!

(Psst … no partner? No problem. See below.👇)

2. Self-pleasure is self-love

What can top self-love than the act of pampering yourself with exquisite pleasure?

Knowing your body and what feels good is delightful, affirming, and empowering. You get to explore exactly what you want, where you want it, how you want it, and whenever you want it.

And when it comes to shared pleasure, how generous it is to share your self-knowledge. Doing so allows your partner to be a fantastic lover with the gift of your insight!

3. Make love, not war: Love-making is peace-keeping

It’s my earnest belief that if everyone had consensual, fulfilling sex that satisfies all their desires, we'd have a peaceful, loving planet.

Everyone will walk around happy, relaxed, and radiant, with no room for aggression born from frustration, repression, and suppression.

How can we be angry or fight if we're exploding with pleasure, with feel-good hormones constantly coursing through our bodies?

4. Sex is the “Fountain of Youth"

Screw apples ... an orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

Sex and pleasure offer loads of health benefits for your body, mind, and spirit.

It's the ultimate elixir of wellness.

Want more energy? Have sex. Want a glowing complexion? Have sex. Want a cardio workout? Have sex. Want to relieve stress? Have sex. Want better sleep? Have sex. Want to boost your mood? Have sex. Want to feel more confident? Have sex. Want to be happy? Have sex.

Sex is medicine. Sex is therapy. Sex is healing.

Sex is beautiful … and beautifying!

5. The idea that women's sexual desire diminishes with age is bullshit

Ladies, we all know it’s not true that we don’t want sex after 40.

Besides factors like stress and hormonal changes that may affect our libido, the biggest culprit is the systemic ageist and misogynistic propaganda that wants us older gals "past their child-bearing years" to become sexually obsolete.

Society doesn’t want to see, hear, or know about older women as sexual beings.

Like all the fake news out there, it’s time to deprogram ourselves from social disinformation about our sexuality.

Sex isn’t the domain of the young and nubile. It’s human to want to fuck (see #1), and we all have a right to pleasure at any age.

My sexiest and wildest escapades started in my early 40s when I became single again after 14 years of marriage.

It was total rejuvenation, and I sure ain’t stopping something this life-enhancing (see #4)!

6. Fantasies are erotic safe spaces

Go ahead and let it all loose in the playground of your imagination. There, anything you desire is granted.

Adventures that you think might be too crazy for real life? Put those — especially those — in your fantasies.

This is where you get to do and be whatever you please, precisely as you please, with whomever you please.

Everyone in Fantasy Land is willing and consenting. There’s only pleasure, and no one gets hurt.

Give yourself permission to be safe in your thoughts and play out all the ways you want to.

No one can judge, shame, or condemn you there, so let your freak flag fly high!

Love & relationships

7. Self-love is the greatest love of all

"Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” 🎶

Sing it, Whitney!

Self-love is about having a healthy sense of self-worth and self-respect.

It is about taking care of yourself emotionally and physically.

It’s about being kind to yourself, talking kindly to yourself, and speaking kindly about yourself to others.

And speaking of others, people treat you the way you teach them to treat you by mirroring how you regard yourself. Yet, too many of us have it the other way around. 🤦🏻‍♀️

You set the tone by your example, vibration, and energy. You magnetize or repel others by your self-valuation.

Choose yourself first, and everything else will line up accordingly.

8. Friends are chosen family

"Friends are God's way of apologizing for your family." — Wayne Dyer

As a single, childfree woman who’s estranged from her family, my friendships are more sacred than ever as I get older.

My friend-sisters/brothers took the place of what my family couldn’t be.

Although I was born into a family, my friendships were forged from mutual choice.

Research shows that people with strong social relationships are happier, less stressed, and live longer.

Your kids will fly off the nest to be their own. And you know how romantic relationships can pan out.

But your core band of friends?

They’re your ride-or-die.

9. Meticulously and mercilessly audit your relationships

“Show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are.”

Cultivate your relationships like a garden.

Nurture your positive connections with ongoing care. Prune often and weed out those who have run their course.

Some relationships have a shelf life. If left for too long, they’ll poison your well(-being).

Get the fuck out of relationships that drag you down.

They're like crabs in a stinky bucket, constantly pulling you back to keep you down with them.

Divorce them immediately.

10. Singlehood is self-partnering

“And remember, no matter where you go, there you are.” — Confucius

Your soulmate is literally you. You’re your forever partner.

So why not treat it like your grandest relationship because it is?

Being single in midlife allows you to focus on what matters to you, you lucky woman.

And about that sexist stereotype of a single, lonely, crazy cat lady?

I’m single and get to romp with all kinds of people.

Loneliness has no place in my active and full world. Don’t confuse my being alone with being lonely.

You’re right — I’m crazy enough to refuse to be a basic bitch.

And I’m batshit crazy about my cat Thelonious Monk because everyone knows cats are fucking awesome.

So until you choose to partner up again (or not!), do you — alllll the way!

Chances are, the people who judge you for being single at “a certain age” are just super jealous of your freedom.

11. Divorce is a failure — yeah, sis, you failed to stay unhappy

Divorce and breakups can be incredibly painful, and moving past them might be the hardest thing you’ll go through.

Ultimately, ending a broken relationship can only be good for you. You get to start fresh and make new choices that serve you.

In time, and if you choose to, you can reopen your heart to allow the kind of love and happiness you deserve, not the one you had to endure.

12. I can rewrite the rules of love: There's more than one way to relationship-ing

When two one-of-a-kind individuals get together in a romantic or sexual relationship, no other configuration is ever the same.

So why the hell does society enforce only one way to have relationships?

It makes no sense and sets us up for unnecessary relationship “failures” — failure by whose standards?

Loving others can take many forms.

Cis hetero monogamy is just one way of relationship-ing. And as many of us painfully discovered, marriage isn’t the holy grail of deep and lasting intimacy.

If the involved parties happily agree to “relationship” according to their mutual values and desires, why is that anyone else’s concern?

It's up to you and your partner(s) — not the status quo — to choose how you want to love and be loved.

13. Shut up and listen

“We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak.” — Epictetus

We all know we should listen more than we talk. But it’s super tough, and that’s why so many of us suck at it.

I was the worst. I dominated conversations. I picked up just enough of someone’s words, ready to pounce at the soonest chance to interject with my brilliant reply.

I spent years knuckling down to be a better listener, and it’s paying off.

I know this because of the surprised and delightful feedback: “Wow, you remembered what I said! Awww, you were really listening to me!”

It’s human to want to be acknowledged, heard, and understood.

Get great at this skill, and you’ll make everyone around you feel seen and valued.

Want to be even more elegant? Ask follow-up questions.

Listening is your superpower for deepening connections.

14. Make "I love you" your life’s mantra

Exchanging “I love you’s” with a bestie.

Never miss an opportunity to remind your peeps that you love them.

You can never overdo this, and I never get tired of being on the receiving end.

Appreciate and acknowledge the people around you — verbally, in writing, in your thoughts (thoughts are things, you know), and through your actions — all the time.

Just do it. You'll never regret it.

Beauty

15. Embrace your changing reflection

“When I look in the mirror … some days, I see a tired older woman. And some days, I see me … like me with my life imprinted on my face. And I have to make a concerted effort to like it.” — Supermodel Paulina Porizkova

(Watch the rest of Paulina’s interview on aging and invisibility.)

Trying to hold on to your looks and fearing the aging process is the fastest way to grow old joylessly.

Tomorrow, you’ll be a day older. If you can’t appreciate yourself as you are today, you’ll keep missing out on yourself until croak time.

Shifting from fighting your reflection to honoring it can transform your self-image. Self-acceptance is the core of self-confidence.

It’s also self-care: Embracing yourself today ensures that you make better choices for tomorrow.

Today is all we have and know.

Meet yourself as you are, here and now.

16. We need to stop defending “not looking our age”

Whenever my age comes up in conversation, no one would leave it at that.

They reactively blurt out, “Oh my god, you don’t look 50 at all! Like seriously, you look waaay younger!”

It’s almost like they panic when they hear that a woman is a certain age, and out of their discomfort, they need to apologize for it.

Hey, I’m just as vain as the next girl, and I want to look younger for as long as possible. I’m certainly not mad when people say this, and I hope they meant it. 😉

But at the same time, I’m torn.

Our culture is so afraid of aging that, although they mean well and earnestly think they’re complimenting you, it’s insinuating that older age is bad and looking your age is sad.

Changing the conversation to, “Hey, you look great!” would be a start.

17. Be your own beauty standard

I don’t have to tell you how impossible it is to conform to societal beauty standards.

Growing up, we still faced the same pressures, even without the Internet, let alone social media.

I've overcome the fact that I can't reverse my skinny, overplucked '90s brows. But with time, I've figured out what looks suit me best instead of just following beauty trends.

Now, I get to present myself for my own delight, regardless of what society deems age-appropriate.

You say I should cover my gray? I rock my gray hard because I’m a silver foxy vixen.

You say I shouldn’t wear bold lipstick on thinning lips? I feel fierce with a fiery, powerful lip — thin lips be damned.

What’s with the rage now with young birds going under the knife to hollow out their cheeks like mine? Lasses, these chiseled cheeks are all-natural and earned, beautifully paid for by five decades of living.

Make your self-expression the singular beauty standard that stands beyond compare.

18. A beautiful heart is the best beauty hack

Beauty is, in essence, a radiant quality, an aura. It's an inside job, a state of being.

It’s fascinating that in South Korea, where I’m from, the titles for the Miss Korea pageant are as follows:

• Jin (“Truth”) for the winner

• Sun (“Goodness”) for the 1st runner-up

• Mi (“Beauty”) for the 2nd runner-up

Yep, beauty comes last — in a beauty pageant.

This stems from ancient Korean philosophy, which exalts genuineness and goodness as primary qualities of beauty over aesthetics.

Well, times sure have changed. South Korea is now the world's plastic surgery capital — go figure.

I've never met a sincere, kind person who was ugly, but I've seen plenty of ugly "beautiful" people.

19. Don’t buy into the beauty marketing hype

If all the lotions and potions deliver their promise to “anti-age” you back to 30, why do the rich and famous still prune up like the rest of us?

Surely, they can afford the best of the best.

It’s wild to think that cosmetics and personal care products are so loosely regulated. Many beauty companies’ claims are unsubstantiated at best.

Even scarier is that cosmetic companies are responsible for their own product safety under the FDA. They can sell you unchecked, harmful chemicals that cause severe damage to your health.

Chances are, you’re buying into the hope and hype, not much else.

You’re paying a premium for the fancy packaging and subsidizing the company’s marketing and Photoshop departments.

I’m not saying all products are harmful or ineffective, and plenty of “cleaner” beauty options exist.

I’m just reminding you to get real:

No magic cream will rewind you from the visible march of time.

That said …

20. The ultimate beauty regimen: Stick to the basics

So why not stay with the tried-and-true?

These work miles better than that $150 bottle of mostly water and chemicals you can’t pronounce (and could be harmful):

• Be kind to yourself and others

• Eat nutritious food

• Move your body (#21) – circulation from exercise is the best skin food!

• Manage your stress level

• Get adequate quality sleep

• Limit sun exposure and use sun protection (I carry a sun umbrella that blocks out 99% of UV rays.)

• Do I even need to mention not smoking?

• Drink in moderation or skip it altogether if that's your thing (I need wine and, occasionally, a luxurious dry martini — cheers!)

• Hydrate

• Moisturize

• Get social — hugs, laughs, fun!

• Have lots of sensual and sexual pleasure — feel good!

Wellness


21. Move your body every single day

Stagnation causes physical and mental rot.

Move whenever you can — you can’t afford not to.

If you can’t manage a regular exercise schedule, you can still find ways to move. Every movement adds up.

Got my steps in today!

Park farther out to get some extra steps in (it’s easier to find parking, too).

Take the stairs whenever possible. Squeeze in 5-minute workout videos throughout the day.

Turn up that groove and dance around the house (I strip down to my knickers and pole dance in my living room!).

The important thing is to keep moving and flowing.

Being active, supple, and fluid helps manage pain and stiffness, ward off disease, calm anxiety, boost mood, and help you sleep better — moving your body keeps you glowing.

You’ll also need to add strength training to maintain your muscle and bone mass, which decreases as a woman ages.

But if anything, at the very least, move. Every. Day.

22. Exercise your brain every day

Ditto for your brain and cognitive health.

Like your body, your mind needs to stay active and flexible to keep you sharp in middle age. Get those neurons wiring and firing together!

A recent finding from Data Reportal reveals that people spend almost 2½ hours a day using social media.

That’s a lot of brain-numbing and dumbing.

How about using more of that time to boost brain health with activities like:

• Exercise — the ultimate panacea

• Meditation

• Listening to music

• Learning a language

• Playing an instrument

• Leaning a dance or choreography (also an exercise!)

• Learning a new skill or something new

• Using all your senses (baking, farmer’s market, sex!)

• Doing puzzles like Sudoku, crossword and jigsaw puzzles

• Do something different that takes you out of your routine

23. Peri/menopause is an invitation to self-care

Understanding and accepting bodily changes can lead to better self-care.

I didn't really feel the "changes" start until the past year at 49. I began to experience telltale signs like brain fog, fatigue, night sweats, etc.

49 was when shit got real for me.

Although I refuse to make peri/menopause define my middle years, it’s an undeniable rite of passage that deserves respect and honor.

I spent 49 years taking advantage of — and often abusing — my mostly issue-free body.

Now, Ms. Peri is forcing me to pay attention and learn to support it with gentle love and care.

I'm beaten into submission to finally appreciate and be a better steward of my body temple.

24. The dose makes the poison: everything in moderation

There’s such a thing as too much of a good thing. Life-giving essentials like water and sunlight can be life-threatening in excess.

Then there are all the silent killers, from microplastics to forever chemicals and ultra-processed foods.

It’s useless to obsess over things I can't control. That alone will get me sick and paranoid.

Instead, I focus on joy, making informed choices, and avoiding overkill.

Especially when it comes to eating and drinking.

I'm happy to say I have a happy relationship with food. I trust my body’s intelligence to take what it needs and eliminate what it doesn’t.

I eat well for the most part, and I’ll have whatever I want with gratitude (#25) and pleasure until I'm gently satisfied.

Except it’s hard to pass on that extra glass of wine — I’m working on it because the next day, my 50-year-old body is like, “Nope.”

25. Thank you: The transforming power of gratitude

A new study on gratitude and 50,000 older women suggests it could help us live longer:

“Supporting healthy aging is a US public health priority, and gratitude is a potentially modifiable psychological factor that may enhance health and well-being in older adults.” — JAMA Psychiatry

Every day, many times a day, I start by saying, “Thank you for X.” It can be about anything, like what I have in my hand or what I’m experiencing.

From there, the gratitude chain could continue to include everyone and everything that existed on Earth from the beginning of time. It’s incredible how one thing connects to everything. Try it!

This puts it all in perspective.

Even though I often feel like I’m just a speck in the infinite, everything is connected, and the universe truly conspires to support even little specks like me.

Knowing this fills my heart with gratitude, spilling over with immense appreciation for my place in the universe.

26. Happiness is being true to yourself

"To live is the rarest thing — most people exist, that is all." — Oscar Wilde

Follow your excitement. It’s like a compass needle. It’s your magnetic north to your true self.

It’s never too late to pursue new interests or reignite old ones.

I taught myself jazz piano at 42, and now I organize the largest jazz musicians community in NYC.

I started pole dancing at 49. Who knows if it will lead to a future gig as a pole instructor helping older gals explore their sensuality, grace, and strength!

You’ve lived long enough to discover that following other people’s scripts led you farther away from your own path.

Get comfortable in your own skin, let go of societal expectations, and do your thing, whatever that means for you.

Drop the “I should” and reframe it to “I get to.”

Your journey is uniquely yours.

Surrender to your nature.

Live, truly, in ways that turn you on.

As of this writing, I'm two months into my 50s.

Since the first AARP invite, I've already gotten three more in the mail — they’re on my ass.

I love a good freebie, and that insulated trunk organizer might have been useful ... except I'm in NYC and don't have a car. 😁

Now, if they were to offer an insulated rolling grocery bag, I might take the plunge (are you listening, AARP?).

Question for you: Reflecting on your life and experiences, what are your insights on sex, love, beauty, and living well?

Share your wisdom in the comments below, and subscribe for more midlife musings!